Well, for my part, I would just like to say...
that as the new guy taking over for you...
I hope I can fill your shoes...
because from the looks of the people here...
and what they think about you, they seem awfully big.
As most of you know, I just moved here recently...
from Des Moines with my wife Patty here...
and Kimberly our 14-month-old...
and you all have made us feel so welcome.
Warren, I want you to feel just as welcome...
to drop by the office any time you want.
As we've been discussing the last couple of weeks...
I might have some questions about our various products...
like the universal life policy we're launching next month.
And...
Anyway, here's to you, Warren.
Warren...
how do you feel about these young punks taking our jobs?
Seems like some kind of conspiracy to me.
I've known Warren here...
probably longer than most of you have been alive.
Warren and I go way back...
way back...
to the horse and buggy days at Woodmen.
But that's ancient history.
I know something about retirement...
and what I want to say to you out loud, Warren...
so all these young hotshots can hear...
is that all those gifts over there...
don't mean a goddamn thing.
And this dinner doesn't mean a goddamn thing.
And the Social Security and pension...
don't mean a goddamn thing.
None of these superficialities mean a goddamn thing.
What means something...
what really means something, Warren...
is the knowledge that you devoted your life...
to something meaningful...
to being productive and working for a fine company...
Hell, one of the top-rated insurance carriers...
in the nation...
to raising a fine family, building a fine home...
being respected by your community...
to having wonderful, lasting friendships.
At the end of his career...
if a man can look back and say, "I did it. I did my job."
Then he can retire in glory and enjoy riches...
far beyond the monetary kind.
So, all of you young people here...
take a good look at a very rich man.
I love you, buddy.
I'll be right back.
Good evening.
- Vodka gimlet, please. - Coming right up.
Hello?
Hi, honey.
Yeah, we just got in.
We just walked in the door.
Yeah, he is. Just a minute.
Warren. Get on the phone. It's Jeannie.
Jeannie? How you doing?
It went just fine. Nice event.
I know, but don't give it another thought.
You've got bigger fish to fry.
I know, but we'll see you out there real soon anyway.
What?
Did I get the robe?
Yes. That was quite an item.
You sure went overboard.
From you and Randall. I see.
Well, thank you both.
It's sure going to come in handy now.
You betcha.
OK.
Yeah. Bye, now.
Did you thank Randall?
- I did. - What'd he say?
I just told Jeannie.
You didn't thank him personally?
- No. - Why not?
He didn't come to the phone.
Why not?
I don't know. He didn't come to the phone.
You should have asked for him. Make an effort.
He'll be your son-in-law, and you hardly know him.
I know him well enough.
I wish you'd try to be more positive.
She's lucky to have him.
Yeah.
My father didn't think so much of you at first.
Yeah.
Where to, mister?
Looks like you need a ride.
Yeah.
Surprise!
I thought it'd be fun to have breakfast in here today...
see what it'll be like.
Fine.
Isn't this fun?
Well... sort of gives us a rough idea.
We'll have a lot of good times in here.
Yeah.
Here's to a whole new chapter.
...Angela Lansbury for Childreach...
and we need people who want to help.
Throughout the world in many of the poorest countries...
there is a organization called Childreach...
that is making a profound difference...
in the lives of children just like these.
For just $22 a month...
just 72 cents a day...
you can become a Childreach sponsor...
and not only personally touch the life...
of a needy boy or girl overseas...
but also help the child's family and community.
Think of it... just $22 a month...
and a little girl like this will never feel the agony...
of dysentery from dirty water.
A child like this will be able to go to school...
to learn and grow.
I'm so glad you've watched...
but now that you have, what are you going to do?
No, pity and guilt won't help.
The answer is Childreach...
for a needy child, family, and community overseas.
I'm glad that you're glad.
Right.
No, no, you're buttering me up now.
I can't take all the credit for that.
No. No. I did use a calculator.
That's my motto.
All righty. Bye-bye.
Hey! There he is!
What do you say, partner?
Pretty good. How are you doing?
Not too shabby.
I see you're all moved in.
Oh, yeah.
What brings you by this neck of the woods?
I was just driving by. I thought I'd pop up...
and see what kind of trouble you've been getting into.
You know, keeping busy.
I wanted to make sure you didn't have any questions...
about those pre-teen mortality risk models I was working on.
They seem pretty straightforward at first...
No, no. I've got a pretty good handle on things.
You did a superjob of handing everything over.
Just super. Smooth sailing all the way.
I have been concerned about some of those items...
that I walked you through slipping through the cracks.
It's been nagging at me.
Nope.
A business degree from Drake ought to be worth something.
Yeah.
Oh, boy. If anything bubbles to the surface, Warren...
I'll give you a holler. You can bet on that.
OK.
I got to get to a meeting out west.
You want to take the elevator down with me?
OK. Sure.
Great. Great to see you. Looking good!
- Thank you. - You been working out?
Hi.
How'd it go at the office?
Oh, fine. Good thing I stopped by.
He needed my help with a couple of loose ends.
That's wonderful.
Dear Ndugu...
My name is Warren R. Schmidt...
and I'm your new foster father.
Let's see. Personal information.
All right.
I live in Omaha, Nebraska.
My older brother Harry lives in Roanoke, Virginia...
with his wife Estelle.
Harry lost a leg two years ago to diabetes.
I am 66 years old and recently retired...
as Assistant Vice President and Actuary...
at Woodmen of the World Insurance Company.
Goddamn it if they didn't replace me with some kid who...
So maybe he's got a little theory under his belt...
and can plug a few numbers into a computer...
but I could tell right off he doesn't know a damn thing...
about genuine real world risk assessment...
or managing a department for that matter...
little cocky bastard!
Anyway...
sixty-six must sound pretty old to a young fellow like yourself.
The truth is, it sounds pretty old to me, too.
Because when I look in the mirror...
and see the wrinkles around my eyes...
and the sagging skin on my neck...
and the hair in my ears and the veins on my ankles...
I can't believe it's really me.
When I was a kid...
I used to think that maybe I was special...
that somehow Destiny would tap me to be a great man...
not like Henry Ford or Walt Disney...
or somebody like that...
but somebody, you know, semi-important.
I got a degree in Business and Statistics...
and was planning to start my own business some day...
build it up into a big corporation...
Watch it go public, you know...
maybe make the Fortune 500.
I was gonna be one of those guys you read about.
But somehow...
it just didn't work out that way.
Remember, I had a top-notch job at Woodmen...
and a family to support.
I couldn't exactly put their security at risk.
Helen... that's my wife...
she wouldn't have allowed it.
But what about my family, you might ask.
What about my wife and daughter?
Don't they give me all the pride and satisfaction...
I could ever want?
Helen and I have been married 42 years.
Lately, every night...
I find myself asking the same question...
Who is this old woman who lives in my house?
Why is it that every thing she does irritates me?
Like the way she gets the keys out of her purse...
long before we reach the car...
and how she throws money away on her ridiculous collections.
And tossing out perfectly good food...
just because the expiration date has passed.
And her obsession...
her obsession with trying new restaurants.
Seafood buffet. Let's go there Sunday.
And the way she cuts me off when I try to speak.
And she seats the people who came in behind us.
- The thing that happened... - I wouldn't mind it...
I hate the way she sits and the way she smells.
For years now...
she has insisted that I sit when I urinate.
My promise to lift the seat and wipe the rim...
and put the seat back down wasn't good enough for her.
No!
But then there's Jeannie.
She's our only. I'll bet she'd like you.
She gets a big kick out of different languages...
and cultures and so forth.
She used to get by pretty good in German.
She'll always be my little girl.
She lives out in Denver...
so we don't get to see her much anymore.
We stay in touch by phone every couple of weeks...
and she comes out for the holidays sometimes...
but not as often as we'd like.
She has a position of some responsibility out there...
with a high-tech computer outfit...
so it's very hard for her to break away.
Recently, she got engaged...
so I suppose we'll be seeing even less of her now.
The fellow's name is Randall Hertzel.
He's got a sales job of some sort.
Maybe Jeannie is a little past her prime...
but she could have done a heck of a lot better.
This guy's not up to snuff, if you ask me...
not for my little girl.
I'll close now and get this in the mail.
Here I am rambling on and on...
and you probably want to cash that check...
and get yourself something to eat.
So, take it easy...
and best of luck with all your endeavors.
Yours very truly, Warren Schmidt.
Honey?
I'm going out to mail a letter. Do you need anything?
No. Don't dillydally.
And I have been doing some research reading on this.
I actually looked at a couple pieces of video...
and it just amazes me. The Liberals in the media...
continue to look for a dark lining here...
in a silver cloud. Have you noticed...
What can I get for you?
I'll have a Blizzard with vanilla ice cream.
What would you like in it?
I'll have some...
Reese's Pieces and some cookie dough.
- What size? - Medium.
Medium? OK.
Helen?
Helen!
What's the matter?
Honey? Helen?
Wake up, honey. Wake up.
Honey. Oh, Helen.
Oh, my God!
Before we go any further, Warren...
I want to go over some of the expenses with you.
We itemize all of our charges...
and break them down into different categories.
Our professional services, our embalming...
and other preparation of the body...
those figures would total up to about $1,550.
Then for the use of facilities equipment and staff...
for the visitation and the funeral service...
In addition to that, we have some other expenses...
out at the cemetery of charges totaling about 1,500.
In addition to that, we also have the casket.
These total up to about 2,700.
Finally, for the use of our automobile...
and a total of services, that'll be about $430.
Do you have any questions about that?
What if I drive myself?
I want to tell you about anger.
Anger's OK.
God can handle it if we're angry at him.
And I'll tell you why.
Nine years ago...
You OK, honey?
No man dieth to himself...
for if we live...
we live unto the Lord...
and if we die, we die unto the Lord.
We'll miss Helen so much. She was the greatest woman.
Just the sweetest, warmest, most wonderful woman.
I know, I know.
We're praying for you, Warren.
If there's anything you need, call us, OK?
OK. OK.
- Really, now. All right. - Yeah. Yeah.
I can't believe it, Warren. I still can't believe it.
I know, Ray, I know.
She was just...
She was too young.
She was just so...
I know, Ray.
Thank you. You're a good friend, Ray.
Take care of yourself, Warren.
You, too, Ray. Thanks for everything.
- You bet. - We'll see you real soon.
Nice of people to bring all this food.
All these cold cuts...
There's going to be a lot of leftovers.
Oh, Dad.
I know, Jeannie.
She was a very special lady.
I, for one, am really gonna miss her.
I miss her already.
I know we all do.
Let's drink to her.
Here's to Helen.
They broke the mold.
Helen... we love you.
We miss you.
We always will.
How you doing? You doing OK?
Fine.
You sure?
Yeah.
It must be really tough.
I remember when my aunt died.
It was so unreal. It was the Fourth of July.
I'll never forget it.
So, listen, Warren...
I know now is not the time to talk about it...
but if before we leave you take a few minutes...
to get your mind off all of this craziness...
there's something real important I want to talk to you about.
What's that?
It's an investment opportunity.
It's really exciting...
and I want to get you in on the ground floor.
It's not a pyramid scheme.
A lot of people think it's a pyramid scheme...
but it's not.
It's almost guaranteed you can double your money...
maybe even triple it in the first year alone.
The thing is, Warren...
I'm not going to be selling waterbeds forever.
I got plans.
We haven't had much chance to talk about it...
but I got a pretty good business head on me...
and I've been going to a lot of seminars...
and listening to a lot of tapes.
- Mayonnaise or mustard? - I like both.
And don't toast the bread too much.
I don't like my bread very toasted.
And I'll have some barbecue potato chips.
Not the plain ones, those are your mother's.
The barbecue ones are mine.
You and Randall can take those plain ones.
They'll just go to waste. I won't eat them.
Maybe you can eat them on the plane.
Fine.
It's so good to see you.
I wish you didn't have to get back so soon.
Can't you take a few days more?
Couldn't you talk to them at work?
They'd understand.
Heck...
who's gonna take care of me?
Here's your sandwich.
Wonderful. Just wonderful.
Dad, you have to get used to taking care of yourself now.
I know, I know.
You might have to hire a maid.
A maid? No. I'll be all right.
I don't need the extra expense.
At least for a few weeks while you're dealing with this.
That's why I'm asking you to stay and help me out.
Dad, I told you.
I wish I could, but I can't.
I've got too much going on.
Even if I could get more time off...
I've got the wedding.
That's a full-time job all its own.
Now that you mention it, honey...
I think you should consider postponing it.
Postpone the wedding?
We can't do that. It's all set.
I'm just saying you might want to take this opportunity...
to rethink things, that's all.
But everyone's invited and RSVP'd.
They'd understand.
Out of respect for your mother.
She would have approved.
Mom wouldn't want us to change anything.
The thing is, Jeannie...
your mother and I spoke a number of times...
very seriously about you and Randall.
And what did she say?
Just that she loved you...
and she wanted you to be very happy...
and maybe this thing with Randall...
She just wanted to be sure...
you weren't going to have any regrets.
So you might want to keep your options open.
But she helped us pick the date.
And I was on the phone with her almost every day...
planning it and ordering things.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mom wouldn't want us to change it at all.
All right! Have it your way.
You know best, you and your mother.
Good sandwich.
Dad?
Why did you get such a cheap casket?
What?
I could tell you got the cheapest casket.
Everybody could.
That is not true.
I specifically did not choose...
as you say, the cheapest casket.
There was one less expensive...
which they showed me, and I refused it.
You mean a pine box?
I don't remember what it was.
She waited on you hand and foot.
Couldn't you have splurged on her just once?
What are you talking about?
What about the Winnebago out there?
That's an expensive vehicle.
I didn't want to get it, but I did.
That was completely your mother's idea.
She had to pay for half of it.
She had to sell some of her stock to pay for it.
That was her decision.
I was willing to go as far as the Mini Winni...
but she had to have the Adventurer.
She wanted the whole shebang.
What was I supposed to do? It was her money.
No, you can't call me to task on that one.
No, sir.
Jeannie!
In here, Randall.
- Where? - In here!
There you are.
30-minute warning. You better get packed.
Randall, did you tell Dad about that book?
That's right, I forgot.
Warren, have you ever read...
"When Bad Things Happen to Good People"?
- No. - It's really amazing.
It really helped me out when my aunt died.
You should read it.
When me and Jeannie get back to Denver...
I'll send you my copy.
The workbook, too. I did most of the exercises...
but you can write your answers in next to mine.
Final boarding call for Midwest Express...
Flight 420 to Denver, Colorado.
So long, Randall.
You'll be in our prayers.
And I'll call you about that thing.
Thank you.
Well, Jeannie...
Take care of yourself, Dad.
That's a good one.
It's gonna be a really great shot.
Yeah, very cool.
I got the plane in the background, too.
- Bye, Dad. - So long, Jeannie.
See you in a few weeks, OK?
OK.
Bye, Warren. You take care.
Dear Ndugu...
I hope you're sitting down...
because I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Since I last wrote to you...
my wife Helen, your foster mother...
passed away very suddenly from a blood clot in her brain.
The services were lovely and very well attended.
Jeannie came in from Denver with her friend...
and folks drove up from as far away as Des Moines and Wichita.
It was a very moving tribute any way you look at it.
I wish you could've been there.
But now that all the excitement is over...
and the smoke has cleared...
it's just me and my thoughts...
knocking around in this big old house.
I believe I mentioned in my previous letter...
that I was an actuary...
at Woodmen of the World Insurance Company.
If I'm given a man's age, race, profession...
place of residence...
marital status, and medical history...
I can calculate with great probability...
how long that man will live.
In my own case, now that my wife has died...
there is a 73% chance I will die within 9 years...
provided that I do not remarry.
All I know is...
I've got to make the best of whatever time I have left.
Life is short, Ndugu...
and I can't afford to waste another minute.
There's nothing like a hot bath when you're happy.
As long as you're with the right person.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
I love being able to say that.
Now, I don't want to kid you.
Adjusting to life without Helen has been quite a challenge.
But I think you'd be proud of me.
Yep, this house is under new management...
but you'd never know the difference.
Sure, sometimes I can be a tad forgetful...
and miss a meal or two...
but I guess that's hardly worth mentioning...
to someone in your situation.
Helen wouldn't want me sitting around...
wallowing in self-pity... no, siree, Bob.
She'd tell me to shape up or ship out.
So I try to get out as much as I can...
try to stay active, stick to my routine.
That's very important in the face of big changes in life.
Sure, I'm not quite the cook Helen was...
but I remember a trick or two from my bachelor days.
It's a lot of work keeping a household together...
and I suppose eventually I'll sell the place...
and move to a little condo... less upkeep and so forth.
But for now, I'm getting by just fine.
It occurred to me that in my last letter...
I might have misspoken and used some negative language...
in reference to my late wife.
But you have to understand...
I was under a lot of pressure following my retirement.
I'm not going to lie to you, Ndugu.
It's been a rough few weeks.
And I've been pretty, you know...
broken up from time to time.
I miss her.
I miss my Helen.
I guess I just didn't know how lucky I was...
to have a wife like Helen until she was gone.
Remember that, young man.
You've got to appreciate what you have...
while you still have it.
Jesus, you scared me. What are you doing here?
I thought you might want these back.
Jesus.
That was so long ago, Warren.
It's 25, 30 years.
I mean... Jesus.
I never thought... She kept these?
I can't believe she kept these.
God!
Stop! Stop hitting me!
Let's talk about this.
You were my friend.
It was all a big mistake.
You went up to Frisco and things started up...
and we just got out of hand, that's all.
I'm sorry!
You have reached Moondog Electronics.
If you know your party's extension...
Shipping and receiving, this is Jeannie.
Jeannie? It's Dad. How are you?
I'm totally swamped, Dad. What's up?
I have a big surprise for you.
- Guess what? - What?
I'm on the road.
I'm on my way out to see you.
Right now I'm just outside Grand Island.
Dad, what are you talking about?
Jeannie...
I've been thinking about things and how much you mean to me...
and how little time you and I spend together...
and I realized what the heck am I doing in Omaha...
when I could be with you?
We should be together.
Wait. You're coming now?
If I drive straight through, I'll be there for supper.
Gosh, I don't think so, Dad.
This is not a good idea.
Sure, it is.
Don't tell me you couldn't use a little extra help...
with all those wedding arrangements.
I'll take the burden off.
The thing is, Dad, Roberta and I and Jill...
we've pretty much got everything under control.
Use the bubble wrap. It's too big.
It's such a nice offer, but let's stick to the plan.
Get here a day or two before the wedding, like we said.
I assume you won't object to me sending any more checks.
Jesus, Dad, I do not have time for this.
Call me when you get home. OK?
Fine. Bye, Jeannie.
Bye, Dad.
Dear Ndugu, how are you?
I'm fine.
A week or so ago...
I decided to take a little road trip...
on my way to Jeannie's wedding out in Denver.
Jeannie begged me to come out early...
and help her with the arrangements...
but I told her I needed some time to myself.
I've decided to visit some places...
I haven't been to in a long time.
So much has happened in my life...
that I can't seem to remember.
Whole sections of my life that are just gone.
So, you might say I've been trying...
to clear a few cobwebs from my memory.
My first stop was none other than Holdrege, Nebraska.
I thought it'd be enlightening to visit the house...
where I was born 67 years ago next April.
We moved away from Holdrege...
when I was not much older than you...
and I've often wondered...
what our old house would be like today.
Funny, I never forgot the address...
12 Locust Avenue.
Yes, sir. 12 Locust Avenue.
Can I help you, sir?
No, thanks. I'm just looking around.
I used to live here.
Here in the store?
Yep. My childhood home was right on this spot.
In fact...
the bedroom would have been right about here.
The living room over here, and the dining...
Well, that was a long time ago.
Before you were born.
Warren! Warren!
Hey, Mom!
Mommy loves you, Warren. Yes, she does.
Happy birthday, Warren!
You're not gonna believe this...
but we used to have a tire swing right out front here.
An awful lot had changed since my day...
but it was still good to be home again.
Very good, indeed.
Next stop... Lawrence, Kansas...
where I paid a visit to my old alma mater, K.U.
I hadn't been there in years and years...
and now seemed like the perfect time to stop by.
I even managed to hook up with some kids...
at my old fraternity, Beta Sigma Epsilon.
Hence, the company motto...
"As a woodman clears the way."
Well, Ndugu, I highly recommend...
that you pledge a fraternity when you go to college.
After that little walk down memory lane...
it was tourist time for yours truly.
I made my way back to Nebraska and stopped in...
at the Custer County Historical Museum in Broken Bow
to see their fine collection of arrowheads.
Later that same day...
I happened to meet a real Indian...
or Native American...
as they like to be called nowadays.
We had a nice chat about the history of the area...
and he really opened my eyes.
Those people got a raw deal...
just a raw deal.
Next stop...
Buffalo Bill Cody's house in North Platte.
What a remarkable man.
You can read about him in the enclosed pamphlet.
I pull the Adventurer over whenever I feel like...
stretching my legs, taking in a local sight...
or browsing for antiques.
The other day, for example, at an antique store in Cozad...
I came across a fine collection of rare Hummels.
I guess I never really appreciated...
how exquisitely crafted they are.